Regrets

[nzj whining mode activated]

I know I’ve said before that I’ve no time for regrets. But still, recently, I just keep on bumping into this unwanted friend.

Every time I go home late from dance rehearsals, especially those that require me to take an expensive cab ride home, I regret why I am not staying in campus and wasting time (and money) in travelling home. Then I also question myself why I stayed so late behind when some others just kept to their schedule and left even before a post-rehearsal meeting officially started.

More regrets pile up whenever I reach my house. I think it’s idiotic that I have to give my house phone a miss call to get my parents open the door. (And it feels even more idiotic on days when my handphone battery dies on me before I reach home.) Then it’s always followed by having to answer a rhetorical question, “What time do you want to wake up tomorrow?” It always never matter what time I want to wake up. It’s always what time slots are there for me to wake up. Recently, I’ve become smarter and reply that question with “What time can I wake up?”

Then I cannot cook at home. It’s not that I don’t know how to, but I just do not have access to the kitchen. It’s as though there’s this invisible “out-of-bounds” tape you see at crime investigation scene. Compound this with the fact that there’s no decent food to be found in Sengkang after 9pm, it’s depressing to go home late. Because any hungry man is a depressed man.

And the house is always dark. Everybody is already asleep in his or her room by the time I reach home. So it usually feels like I am returning to a lifeless house. Whilst moving in the dark, sometimes I let myself indulge and wonder. And I imagine a place where there is someone waiting for me to return home, who converse with me for 10 – 15 min, and even cooks me some food. Maybe that’s why I log on to instant messengers so often nowadays. I need to connect with someone…

But my latest decision is to log on to instant messengers less often. Guess I need to sleep earlier to concentrate better in class. I love all the modules that I am taking this semester and I shouldn’t screw them up because of my abnormal sleeping times. My blog will become more of a portal for people to know how I’ve been doing and/or communicate with me. It’d be close to real time since I monitor my blog everyday. Seems like a wise decision now, but I don’t know how long I can stay on to this decision.

Hur hur~

[nzj whining mode deactivated(?)]

Random Thoughts

I wanted to eat 肉脞面 halfway through rehearsal this evening. A salty, hot bowl of noodles. That’s probably because I didn’t have an actual dinner. But knowing that I have an early morning excursion trip to Pasir Ris tomorrow, I cannot afford to get home too late. So I hoped for instant noodles. A hot bowl of noodles. Then again, I am going home. So no noodles for me… 😦

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6 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. Be thankful that you can afford expensive cab rides home. Be thankful you have responsibilities that warrant you to leave later than others.

    Be thankful that you have a house to return to everyday, and be thankful that you wake up to the start of a new day everyday.

    Be thankful that you have a family, whom amidst the darkness, you hear their gentle breathing, close to you.

    And you are certainly not whining. All of us just need a nudge on our shoulders from time to time to remind us how fortunate we really are. Life is not complete without regrets. But you certainly can’t live a life without hope.

    Sometimes we do not have a choice in life. Sometimes we deny ourselves the ability to choose, for we are not brave enough to live with the consequences of our choice.

    Look not to the past, not at the present, but to the future, and everything that you are doing now would be worthwhile.

    Might not be true, we would never know. But the least we can do, for now, is to believe.

    Chin up, dude! And here’s a virtual bowl of piping hot noodles for you 🙂

  2. Pingback: 女人… « Thoughts of a Diurnal

  3. Amazing endurance as always, dun know how you actually manage to do it but you manage it somehow. Hopefully life will be better in the future.

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