管太多的父母是爱情杀手

摘自今日的早报周刊 ,吴淡如专栏:

每一代都有代沟。 “食古不化”的父母,常会变成下一代的感情绊脚石。

席伟的父母在他十岁时离了婚,父母关系恶劣,长期不相往来,妈妈每次想看他, 都得偷偷的到学校里来。 他很早就懂得,不要在妈妈面前提爸爸,也不要在爸爸面前提妈妈。

席伟和女友高中时就是班对。 女友对他而言,比爸妈还关系密切。 当时他家住在杨梅,女友家住在桃园,他每天要先送女友回家,自己才搭车回去,风雨无阻。

两人还约着念同一所大学。 恋爱四年后问题来了,只要女友在周末跟着他回家,他爸爸总会希望女友帮忙做家事。

“女孩子就是要会做家事,才能够进我们家大门。”爸爸认为,儿子有女朋友, 女朋友就该成为家里的女主人,应该要接手照料他们的生活。 常常开口要女友洗衣服、倒垃圾、煮饭,还会嫌饭难吃。 女友个性温和,刚开始默默的做了,做了还被嫌,心情当然不会好,席伟虽然也帮着做, 在女友和爸爸之间进行沟通,但常两面不讨好。

他这才明白,妈妈是怎么离开爸爸的。 妈妈老是骂爸爸“死老顽固”,总说自己是受不了爸爸的颐指气使才走人的。 如今爸爸竟然不知悔改,想把自己的婚姻悲剧“遗传”给他!

“我和你交往,还要应付你的家人,我真的太累了。”沟通了老半天, 女友还是给他“诀别书”。 此后,他交女友都不敢带回家。 怕爸爸一看到“女人”,又觉得是“女佣”,他再也禁不起当夹心饼干的折腾了。

邵芳的恋情也在男友妈妈的干涉下划了休止符。 男友家家境很好,男友的妈妈也是镇上著名的贵妇,表面上对邵芳很不错, 实际上常会对男友批评邵芳没有教养。

男友有一次和朋友出去半夜还没回到家,“准婆婆”找不到儿子,就会打电话给邵芳要人, 拐弯抹角的指责邵芳带坏她儿子:“他以前都不会这样, 怎么认识妳以后习惯都不一样了?”

时代变化很大, 下一代的观念与生活型态与上一代都有很大的不同。 下一代固然要体贴,上一代也必须有自觉!

在被控制得无法呼吸的情况下,被磨灭的可能不只是爱情,亲情也会被影响。父母亲的出发点固然是对的,但是儿女会有需要私人空间的一天。

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4 thoughts on “管太多的父母是爱情杀手

  1. Yepz, I guess the statement in bold is absolutely true, but to achieve this I think it is really hard. Imagine how hard it is for us (age 20+) to be ti3 tie1, what more can we expect from the previous generation who have been so accustomed to their way of thinking for half a century at least!

    But i guess, this might just be a vicious cycle, which have been passed down by grandparents’ generation to our parents generation – and I’m think they might have the same complains that we are having now – but somehow they have gotten used to it, and they want us to get used to it too? (Since it’s hard to change anw, juz follow?)

    Since the past, in the palace, no matter how old the princes are (be it in their 30s or 40s), as long as the emperor is still alive, they can’t lead a life they truly want, and it’s terribly miserable. The emperor will dictate their lives if he wanted to. So i guess, for us, some may be fortunate to have very understanding parents, but some not. For those who are not as fortunate, this could be life’s challenge for us, to make us a stronger person, to be more empathetic, and to constantly train us to seek for a solution, and hope. Let us not hate them, nor distant ourselves from them, cause they are doing this to us not because of dislike or hate, but it’s love which they have expressed wrongly, unknowingly (perhaps due to their own perceived ‘lack of love’ from their own parents).

    Dun give up, dun be in despair. IF talking and explaining them is a very difficult task, then don’t force your way through. With time, we’ll grow up, and our parents will see us grow up, they will change, and so will we. As long as we are willing to always ‘forgive’ our parents for their ‘unknowing mistakes’, that comfortable equilibrium will reach in due course. Have faith!

    Meanwhile, there are friends and buddies around for emotional support and to offer solutions, don’t keep them all to yourself. Let their LOVE fill up the portion you have been lacking for now, and ‘keep moving forward’.

  2. Just something tt got me through those parent issues; perhaps it might help too:

    “Sometimes parents don’t find what they’re looking for in their child, so they plant seeds for what they’d like to grow there instead… we’re not, as you’d expect, orchestrating their lives; we are not even trying for a second chance. We’re hoping that if this one thing takes root, it might take up enough light and space to keep something else from developing in our children: the disappointment we’ve already lived.

    … when people we love make choices, we don’t always understand them., But we can go on loving them, all the same. It isn’t a matter of comprehension. It’s forgiveness. ”

    =)

  3. 其实我发现我现在已会比较考虑到父母亲的感受;也许这是因为我也开始想象父母亲的种种挑战。其实我现在已经比较看得开了,因为有这种困难的不只是我。好才有一些朋友的陪伴与谅解,我的情绪才不至于永久陷入低潮。

    但是我一定要记得这一切;以确保往日自己的孩子不会遭受一样的困境。说得到容易;做得到却难。就尽力而为吧!

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